Saturday, June 30, 2012

Nipple Stitches

I run with scissors because it makes me feel dangerous. I had surgery today and ended up with stitches. It wasn't actually surgery but the doctor had to numb the area in order to take a biopsy. If you've never gotten a shot in your right areola (the nipular region of your chest), then you don't know the extraordinary pain I had to endure today. I can only speculate that the left side would be comparable but without having experienced it, I have to assume those of you who have, have suffered less than I.

The nurse said, "little prick", just before stabbing me. I wanted to respond, "fat bitch", but she was holding the sharp pointy thing. Then, expecting a little prick, she jabbed that dang coat hanger into my nipple! I arched my back and clenched my teeth in the most manly manner I could muster under the circumstances and waited until she was done and had turned her back before wiping away the tear that had dropped off the ceiling and rolled down my face.

I didn't feel a thing when the doc came at me with his scallop chopper outer. You know, the cookie cutter little thingy? Anyway, that didn't hurt because Nurse Ratchet had actually succeeded in inducing shock which evidently has a numbing effect on my nipples.

So now I'm in a motel room with my beautiful wife and as I remove my shirt, I realize how tough pirates look with their eye patches and how not so tough nipple patches look.

1 comment:

  1. Okay, I am way too spacey to write an actual blog post, but you'd better be okay. If anyone can carry off a nipple patch, it's you.