Friday, August 13, 2010

Non-Crisis In The Gulf

Oil rig explodes! Oil is gushing uncontrollably from the ocean floor! It is speculated that the oil will completely fill the Gulf of Mexico, displacing all the water. In fact, the oil is likely to cross completely over Florida and then begin making it's way up the east coast, not stopping until it reaches Nova Scotia. This is quite reminiscent of "The Blob" writ large. The scary part is that this is real. This is no horror movie, this is our reality. There are scientists that are speculating that the oil spill could be so severe that it could blot out the moon. We are hoping against hope that these predictions are premature.

The Obama administration has wisely chosen to reject all foreign aid in this matter. The last thing we want are foreigners snooping around in our oil. It's bad enough that they are snooping around our oil in Iraq. No ferners allowed. When this thing gets big enough that the Mexican Democrats can just walk across the Gulf into Louisiana, victory in 2010 will be assured. This thing might have a silver lining after all!

But wait. What's that? The oil seems to be dissipating. The massive underwater plumes of oil are simply gone. Only a few miles of beach are affected after all? What about all the fishermen who were put out of work? All the tourists that were scared away by the press? All the hotels now being foreclosed on? The mom and pop shops permanently out of business? It seems a quart of oil per square mile doesn't have quite the devastating effect Obama's scientists originally projected.

Hold the phone. Underwater Plumes of oil? Mr Obama, I am no whiz kid, but underwater oil plumes? I have seen what happens when you mix oil with water. In all scenarios the oil rises to the surface. Huh. The scientists seem to have forgotten that when they were projecting. In fact, the scientists have missed a few other details.

Details like the fact that the Gulf is well-known to have the ability to break down oil. The Gulf has, for all recorded time, been a warm, rich ecological soup of natural oil seeps, oil-eating bacteria, and marine life that depends on that bacteria for food. This spill represents fully four times as much oil as leaks into the Gulf naturally in a year. Wow. Four whole times more than usual. Hey, Mr Scientist, hey, Mr Obama, this doesn't exactly leave me quaking in my boots. In fact, WHAT IN THE HELL HAVE YOU MISMANAGING, MISREPORTING MORONS DONE?

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